| Boy: O' Wise Hunter, how can I learn to respect animals and to respect life?
Hunter: Buy a rifle and a hunting license. Then hunt them down and kill them. Boy: And that will help me attain a respect for animals and life? Hunter: Yes, of course it will, boy. Plus, if you go hunting with your father or grandfather, then you can really bond with them. Boy: But couldn't I bond with them at a baseball game or at an amusement park? Hunter: Yeah, I guess so. But then you couldn't kill anything. Boy: O' Wise Hunter, what happens to some of the deer during the winter? Hunter: Well, the weak ones die from starvation. And that's a very cruel way to die. So, hunters shoot the deer, cut off their heads for trophies, cook and eat their bodies to save them from the cruelties. Boy: Ohhh. But, uh, if hunters were concerned about starving animals, wouldn't they feed them? Hunter: Let me get this right, boy. You're saying that we should feed the hungry deer instead of killing them. But... Boy: And another thing, wise hunter, why do hunters never shoot starving deer -- only the big, healthy bucks that aren't starving? Hunter: Uh, uh, uh, boy. Now you just keep quiet about that. Boy: Isn't it true that car accidents caused by deer have doubled over the last 30 years? Hunter: Well, uh, yeah. Boy: But I thought hunters killed the deer to reduce the herd so deer-car accidents would decrease. Hunter: Well, uh, you sure ask a lot of questions, boy. Boy: O' Wise Hunter, how come the Department of Natural Resources always promotes the killing of animals? Hunter: Well, just between you and me, the hunting community and the DNR are allies. You know, really good buddies. Boy: You mean most of the people who work for the DNR hunt? Hunter: Yes, of course, boy. And those fees from hunting licenses - 90 percent of that money goes toward the hiring of DNR officers to patrol hunters and the marketing of programs to recruit young people, like yourself, into the hunting fraternity. Boy: And what about the commission that oversees the DNR? Hunter: The Natural Resources Commission? Boy: Yes, wise hunter. Hunter: Well, eight of the nine commissioners are proud hunters. Boy: Ohhh. Let me clarify what you're saying. People who hunt are making decisions about the fate of animals. Hunter: Now, now, boy. You just keep that bit of information to yourself. Boy: What about conservation? Hunter: What about it? Boy: Would hunters conserve land if they couldn't hunt on it? Hunter: You mean, save the land and the animals that live on the land just for the heck of it - with no killing. Uh, that would be a pretty kind gesture of humanity. Boy: I know, wise hunter, I know. Hunter: Well, uh... Boy: O' Wise Hunter, how can I help advance the, uh, sport of hunting? Hunter: Tell people to have compassion for hunters. Boy: You mean, tell people to have compassion for those who have no compassion? Hunter: Yes, boy. Boy: But, wise hunter, these things you say don't make sense! Hunter: I know, boy, I know. But if we say these things enough, the public will believe us and then they will make sense. Boy: Ohhh. Satire by Gary Yourofsky, senior, journalism, The Oakland Post, November 19, 1997 |